Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.