Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
You Might Also Like
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.