Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
You Might Also Like
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
This is my bus stop.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember