Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Bring back the McRib
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.