Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
What if the weather talks about us?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”