I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.