Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender