I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.