My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I know karate and tons of other words.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.