This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
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Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.