earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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Hello, my name is Pierre.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
what
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭