waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.