I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
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Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
👾👾👾
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Art by Pastelkatto
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday