No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda