*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
You Might Also Like
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else