My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves