My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Life hack
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.