My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The booster protects against what, now?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.