Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
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called in thicc to work this morning
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Europe. Made in Germany.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.