My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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when you are just born a rebel
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff