Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
You Might Also Like
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.