fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.