me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine