GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
this chia pet tastes awful
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!