me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
i think both sides are to blame here
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299