At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or