Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!