Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
my fav colour is also hitler
How did we not see this back then?
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!