Banana is the quietest snack
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-