[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
this came to me in a vision
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
How animals would run if they were human
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.