My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.