I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.