I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
hackers play passwordle
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?