I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
79.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.