The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
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ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection