Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS