[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.