Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
selfie game
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me