You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
No chill.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit