I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
sensitive skin
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron