Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
The symmetry is uncanny.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.