What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*eats only grass-fed donuts