What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
this came to me in a vision
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
(Musicians.)
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.