reviewed some movies recently
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*ernest hemingway voice*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
me after drinking all the wine:
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.