Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?