*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
those birds must be on payroll
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Breaking news:
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*