Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Ummm
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private