Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski