[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
is this how new cars are made??
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.