Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Have kids, they said
I want this so bad
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.